all that he built….
all that he dreamed….
all that he did….
all for one person.
The same one person that was the reason his mouth filled with blood and his body like a leaf on water.
He died thinking, believing all that was false, in fact to be honest… he might’ve lived, thinking and believing all that was false.
I love her, that’s the beginning and end of everything. -F. Scott Fitzgerald
Because it’s what you witness at theaters, •draw the curtains, •change the backdrop, •Rush into a new disguise, •Let the villain play Angel.
No ones knows, who is behind the mask.
So is this why you draw your curtains?
To pretentiously change a setting in your mind, to deceive yourself, to pretend as if you protecting yourself from the outside world as the sky blackens?
Oh! Wait… this is where you change the mask. This is where you become lover after being cold, This is where you tell lies after pretending to be honest.
Surely, this is where the monster is kept and not beyond the curtains.
You’ve drawn them.. believing it is bad to expose the nightlight into your quarters of peace. You the liar, you the cheat, you the ‘deceptor ‘, you’ve been deceived; because the monster you hide from, is actually reality. It is the truth that you refuse to accept about yourself. You take pictures of it smiling in mirrors, so we occupied by glamour, the Good forget to search the soul.
Oh! Do we not demand our right to second chances?
So you skip reality, live in your presumptuous bullshit and keep believing you are honest because your initial intentions are clear.
You are weak!
Oh Monster!
Oh Monster, have you no shame in the disguises you take?
Pretending to be victim…
The only reason your curtains are drawn: is probably because they taught you to be like them and do that which they do.
Surprisingly! It is the good, that allow the nightlight in, to ray and refract, to bounce and absorb, so that the atoms of tranquility can be energized.
It is the good that know, behind every curtain is a Monster, yet the good expose themselves as good hoping you’ll see reality.
I guess, you’re too busy living the dreams in your head, you don’t take a note of your fruitless life. After all as long as your pictures deceive them, they’ll believe you happy.
Trust me, oh good ones!
There’s a happiness in understanding that you cannot help a monster, then comes the interest that will you attract another monster?
Or is this the part you get a good one?
“We are not indebted to explain, but we are the difference between our actions & words” –The broke kid from 54
We are the half truths, who hope to de-Monster ourselves, but we could never change when we love living behind drawn curtains.
Return of the Mac??…
Haha!
Why do we leave? When we have no reason to stay?
Or because we have every reason to leave?
Simply because we prioritize differently??
Because some people wait for good things. And the one percent works for greater things.
Laying here typing out these words are one thing, but going out there and living It; that’s where the magic lies. That’s where the motivation comes from!
There’s no beauty in achievement without struggle.
You can write something worth reading; or you can live a life worth being written about!
Few of the indecisive will make the ironic decision because choosing one isn’t fair!
So I disappeared because my struggle is real.
I wish you could see me beg, it’s when I look most beautiful, stripped of every evil quality. I’m not here for entertainment. This is my psychology session.
I ran off into the jungle and I’m typing this from the heart of it. The hunt isn’t over. Far from!
I’ve tossed my pride, set free the horse upon which I rode high, lost a cat and lost a life. I’m out here now. I’m begging, basically selling my dreams on paper. Knocking on locked doors. Trading limbs for opportunities.
I’ll never be okay to settle due to circumstance, I’ll go out there and I’ll never return. I swear you won’t see me again.
But if you do!
I didn’t come back for you, it simply means I’ve conquered and now I’ve returned a victor. A victor of my situation. A victor of my dreams.
A victor of life.
To achieve greatness, you have to search where no one has searched.
You have to be willing to disappear for a while in order to return a new you!
No one is going to fight your battle, change the situation or feel you sorry. This is the jungle. Adapt or die.
If I said it was all bad I’d be lying. Yes I’ve found the spring, even the waterfall where it poured crystal-like waters onto rocks of diamond glitters. However, I went down the rabbit-hole to get here.
I’m cut, it’s quite deep, the bruises burn and the thorns haven’t been removed but I’m numb now. I’ll spend one more day at the waterfall. The sunshine is family.
It’s why I’m here. Maybe you need a little recharging too!
But tomorrow,
I’ll be gone again.
Back to the locked doors and fake faces! Tree stumps and prickly pears.
Every now and again I strike it Lucky and I meet a human. Someone who can relate.
This isn’t any good?
Yeah I feel the same. It’s what happens when you beg. This is life when you’re the only one that sees the dream, the end game.
You have to keep it together, you’re the reason kids have role models.
Greatness comes from the darkest alleys, the scariest forests and the deepest oceans.
It isn’t the darkness that scares us , but the light from within that cracks through when you least expect it.
goodbye…
goodbye forever?
After being left by one of the three Amigos, Two Amigos decided to converse whilst walking along the beach.
Since the afternoon was spent in the pools with good music, the legs had already been worked😂.
Anyhow, with no intention of going far: we ended at the end of the boardwalk.🤔
A tree right across the hiking trail looked us in the eyes and said: “explore”
Since, we had a few snacks, smokes and a laptop we thought why not.
So into the Terrain of nature, less forgiving than that of man we endeavored.
Bending over to avoid branches that tried to congratulate as with pats on the forehead we also stepped back like Timberlake in a music video when these gorgeous grey monkeys welcomed us.
Back on, up some man made steps and than down again we wandered.
Spinning between openings like a compass influenced by a magnet.
We talked, walked, talked some more and then finally….
A wooden walk way across the lake between two patches of forest.
This is God’s engineering baby!
Nature at its finest.
We continued into the much anticipated half of this monkey Home.
I swear it’s gorgeous, the heat between the trees, the setting sun, the perfect company and tired legs. Nothing beats this.
And then you get to this tall tree that has a bench for lovers, similar to the one in my mind that I share with her, but just less beautiful, haha! I kid! It’s gorgeous.
You have to pass it. Like a happy moment that’ll never be recaptured.
You turn right, walk up the steepest seven steps and there’s this window in the trees, a man-sized, glassless window into God’s art.
Pure ocean.
Our way down we found some sand and then pure ocean.
Well we found a rock, upon which the Friend-ship had docked for a fix of Nicotine.
After two million, seven hundred and two pictures.
Back up the slope, like a Cessna with a beast of a head wind: we were Up, Up & Away.
This time! At the wooden walk way.
We stopped. Sat down. Admired Gods creation. Damaged our lungs further and admired some more. We knew the admiration was partially toward nature but a bigger portion towards two best friends who are in progress of a memory that’ll never leave us up until we leave this world.
This world, which I would call a shit hole due to the system!
I couldn’t now! I’ve seen Gods engineering. It’s gorgeous here.
We are what’s wrong with the world.
This was also a Monday!
This was a little different though.
It had a sun, no clouds, blue waters and sandy beaches.
It had a handful of youngsters lazing around; and then it had this yellow and blue beach shelter, that housed three of the strangest fuckers I know😂.
I went to the back of this tent to tie up my towel. You know? Keep it free from sand.
Nevertheless, I stood there admiring this tent and then the view ahead of it and I thought: for many years in my happy imaginations there to be a yellow wooden beach cottage on the sand amongst nothing else. It was mine.
Today, as I stand here I realized. This tent is from my dreams. My creations. My desires and imaginations. Maybe if I keep imagining hard enough, I’ll unlock everything🌷
However, I spent most of Monday lazing around, mixing good fucking music because in my head I’m a DJ but fuck it.
That beach actually had stoner vibes and I actually like these people and their “to themselves but happy” vibes.
So as usual I took to the waters after some hours of sand.
I went in like a retarded seal👀👻
But hey, then I went in and soaked up some sun along with some salt.
After some time of good fun, I met a creature that was sent to probably punish me for something because He came up to me, and hugged me out of happiness, wrapping himself from my knees to my neck in a pretty spiral. The mother fucker: the blue bottle.
Ive never been stung in my life. But damn this guy. He covered up.
I actually felt dizzy.
Anyhow, my Monday continued in the same: wet-dry-wet; procedure up until the sunset presented itself and that readers was the 3rd day of my summer holiday with two strange people.
Keep in touch for the rest!
After spending the last 8 days with my two best friends at the beach, we moved to three different apartments. Yesterday I was pleased to know I’ll be back in my own quarters. The HQ🤐
However, I came home to a different room. Well for starters: there’s no light bulb- so darkness; I like.
Secondly, there’s new curtains. Very new compared to the ghostly white sheets that surrounded me. Now I have stripes, green, red and light brown. Some colour scheme 🤔
It’s almost something you’ll find in a Mexican restaurant. It’s nice, in its own way. It’s not me!
Waking up to another gloomy day doesn’t help either, I mean everything is so dull.
Including me 😂. Sunburn is a b****.
The whole reason I’m here today is because I’m done, one major part of life is out of the way.
That exam date that I raved and complained about.
It’s over!
It was over on the 15th! I’m done with that. Finally!
It’s almost as if I miss waiting. Haha said no one ever!
The thing is I don’t know where to start.
So I’ve drawn up a list of possible people who might assist me to further study. This means I’m going door to door begging people for a little of the favourite thing! Money!
I’m not sure I’ll get any, I really want my studies to go further though. So I’ll try.
If not, I’ll go back to my old job but I’m worried that I’ll be settling.
You ask for advice but you leave the room with no knowledge 🤣
Raised shoulders and a tilted head to signify: I’m sorry, I can’t help.
It’s fucked!
Maybe I could let Monday get the best of me. I’ll stay in bed and keep my girlfriend away from work. No not like that! Like texting all day.
Maybe I could wear some happy clothes and go into town like a OG, right up to the first person on my list and be like: bitch better have my money!
Life isn’t easy for everyone, we know that. Struggling isn’t the best occupation one could find but, going to ask people for help is like asking for bread at a wealthy house and they don’t even respond to you.
You feel like the scum of the earth.
I’m supposed to be at my adopted grandparents 😂so I could help move offence. You know you stay long enough with people than you go from visitor, to family, to laborer.
Which I don’t mind. Personally I cannot afford to spend time moving offices when I could be going for interviews or hustling for my money!
My money, did you notice that?
For now I think: coffee, cigarette, maybe some TV.
I’m never going to be 22 again and you know what I got the papers the system fools us with. So now the system can fucking head Hunt my potential.
Maybe just maybe I need some vodka and weed.
Or maybe … cocaine and sprite.
Since it’s become clear to me that it is officially Home time, there is one more bright spark. The Pizza I’m awaiting.
The best fucking day and we leaving.
Murphy’s Law or whoever the fuck has laws like that😂..
Haha calm down, I’m not mad.
A little sad. I’ll miss this.
Quiet beaches, no conversation, just listening to the music played by nature.
Extreme freedom.
Now it’s time for me to go back and go back with a force.
It’s time, to get shit sorted, I need to move on from: young, dumb and broke!
Well I’ll hold onto the young part.
It’s been pretty special I must admit.
It was everything I expected and more. They say unwinding is just as important as the hustle, my friend: truer words have never been spoken.
I have a problem and it’s not knowing how to feel about situations, in this instance it’s great, no real sadness just the thoughts of leaving are a bit grey.
Maybe, since I discovered this so recent, I’ll use this as a basis to be more level headed.
Maybe a vacation was all that was needed for a certain perspective to be achieved.
Seated, more like curled up into the corner. I have a thing for walls. Haha, in today’s world it’s almost okay to have a thing for anything…. and I’m drifting, while we drift the conversation music drifts on.
However, I am: feet up on the couch and back up against the wall. A very cozy feel.
The white furniture, dimmed by the tall black windows, this is a special place.
There’s character here, the type of lounging a rock star and a big shot business guy would experience. One of the few places you’d find the two under one roof, let alone in the same room.
Brown and navy classy couches, taking me to a time, maybe a time before me.
Thinks also the room from my dream.
I stood here.
We stood here.
And now we’re really here.
My freshly squeezed orange juice is left to warm, the Tabasco all untidy and lonesome.
I want to express this holiday and the inner most dark parts of me that have been cleansed but I cannot seem to construct sentences close enough.
So I’ll give you: surroundings and you can build your view.
This room has a Miami in the 80’s kinda feel.
White walls, tinted windows, white furniture.
If I had a suit maybe we could scrap this ripped jeans and we can call me Tony Montana.
A little alone time is sometimes all that is needed to gather the thoughts of the mind.
Finally…
It’s that crisp air, well actually I’m not sure how much crisp, considering: humidity level 200% haha.
Nevertheless, to add to my list of minute but powerful forces.
The sea breeze, ocean drives, sandy mornings, blissful evening and most importantly the best friends in the world.
I could be anything with these two and it’ll be movie-like.
I’m watching a water fountain on a Tuesday evening 21:36, waiting to watch a movie at 22:45, and going to float my sorrows away tomorrow….
I guess after all a shade of darkness is needed to see the stars.
It’s pretty here, wait I’ll show you
The wind is constant, if I may, or rather; it is saying hello.
But it’s perfect, everything needed to let go of the weights of the world.
No real system, not enough money,
But some Fucking friendship.
This is: the best part of the night, the moment before, it begins!
08:00, awake….. goes back to bed.
08:12, going back to bed.
08:33, just one more sleep.
08:56, okay it’s just too bright in here.
The boys have left, probably to return with food.
Last night, where is lastnight?
Oh – oh! I found it. There was a part around 1am where I felt the exhaustion kick in!
Laying on the most comfortable bed, wasn’t even mine.
The laughter had settled, oh I cried, the joy I had, listening to the most insane stories.
And somewhere between there and here, 24hours of continuous vacation had overcome me.
That brings us back to:
08:56
There’s a silence in the room, but the television is bouncing the sounds of a chic flick, against the walls.
Over my shoulder, there’s endless ocean.
The air: moist, the sun: bright and the boys: back.
I can hear a Cessna drifting across the sky, while the ocean sounds caress the background.
For this moment or two my mind drifts to my career… There’s positivity here. Maybe, I can do this!
cocaine & sprite 